


Welcome to Mewni

by orphan_account



Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dark Comedy, F/M, I updated the weather in the first chapter to an actual thing pls enjoy, Marco the Psychology Student, Reagan encouraged me to get out of my writer's comfort zone, So yes, Star has a radio broadcast in Mewni about what a fucked up place it is, Star is Cecil so you have that, Suicidal Thoughts, also dedicated to someone who's birthday it is, because this needed to happen, blame them, but literally so tame if you're into Nightvale, college age, it's mostly me being a dark dark nerd and having fun, there's like 0.01 Starco, this is kinda dark let me just say rn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 20:11:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6128710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Welcome to Nightvale AU we all need.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radiowrittenheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiowrittenheart/gifts).



> I stretched my little writer's wings and said let's make this weird.
> 
> And I had a lot of fun.
> 
> Happy Birthday Reagan m'dear, I know you're not even into Nightvale, but here we are. I hope you will enjoy it's delightfully creepy aesthetic.

A beautiful tiny kingdom floating admist the endless sea of dimensional wasteland. The corn grows high, the forest grows dark, and the people grow dim, dimmmer still than any celestial beings that share their names. 

* * *

  _Welcome to Mewni._  

* * *

 Hi Listeners and Peasants.

* * *

I begin my broadcast today with an announcement straight from the castle. The Mewnian Recreation and Civil Correction center has just finished it's remodel. Come in to enjoy a variety of classes varying from monster mutilation to beginner's black magic and dark alchemy. As is usual any and all expeariments and defense training tactics will be performed against those who have committed wrong doings according to our Feudal laws and justice system. So if you have a warrant out for your arrest I would suggest steering clear unless you are coming for the expert cloaking class. 

* * *

Old Captain Haverdin, the Sea Captain, has been seen around town informing people of the upcoming Blood Moon. According to his wisdom, getting caught under it's light could have negative or positive consequences, he has not been clear on which. Do not fear the Blood Moon listners. Until we know more. The Moon cannot harm you, only sufficiently suck your spirit out of you and make your life a stressed induced nightmare with the threat of responsibility constantly looming.

* * *

A visitor from a strange and possibly safer dimension has come among us. Why is he traveling? Why is he here? Why does he ask so many questions and why do I have so many questions to ask him? Not much is known at this time, except that his dimension is a place called Earth and he says we are living in the middle ages. We will update as we find things out.

* * *

The Mewnian Chamber of Commerce and Commercial eXpansion or the MCCCX which roughly translates to the number 2310 so as it is known, encourages the citizens of all classes to consume Corn and Corn by-products. In doing so, it will support the local Noble land owners, putting more money into their pockets for them not to use to pay for the labor of their serfs and continue this endless Social Hierachy.

Starving?

Corn or Corn by-products.

Need something for your daughter's dowry?

Try corn or one of it's many by-products.

Hovel of a shack falling apart at the seams?

We have a solution and we have it's by-products.

Corn and Corn by-products.

Grown by Mewnian Serfs,

Sold by Mewnian Peasants,

Eaten by Mewnian citizens, to ensure the continued existence of the Mewnian Nobility.

* * *

Our mysterious Earth vistor has revealed himself to the King and Queen today. His name is Marco Diaz and he is a studying psychologist, earning College credits. However, since no one knows what psychology is, it seems to be a rather weak excuse for whatever he's actually hiding. When I questioned him on the subject, he compared it to Karate, for the mind. So he has clearly come to participate in our annual Academic Trials. An eager new body to be catapulted into a vat of goo when he incorrectly answers the question. Though it would be a bit of a shame to launch such an attractive body into a vat of goo, not that I was personally paying attention or anything. 

* * *

 And now the weather.

* * *

[The Weather](https://youtu.be/jVV34E061A4)

* * *

Mysterious lights and flashes coming from the second story of the castle in recent days. That is, they are mysterious to you, and not to me, since I am the main cause of them. I cannot reveal more of what is causing this activity at this time, but I can assure you. The future is bright and ablaze. It is ablaze because I set the entire second story of the castle on fire. Accidentally. However if we were to grow upset over every Mewnian catastrophe we would be in a constant state of panic whenever we want outside. The moral here is don't go outside. Ever. It is better this way.

* * *

 As I am the main conveyer of local news my listeners and subjects, I have been required to read out an advertisement from a local business. Wanted: Good, strong, smart, preferably handsom, monsters. Requirements: Must be evil. Willing to do work for little to no profit. Willing to oblige the wims of a maniacal furby. Must enjoy seeing the failure of magical princesses. Must enjoy seeing the ruination of the universe. Must enjoy Soap Operas or Anime. Addtional needs: Preferably undeafeatable. Not power hungry, Smart enough to take orders but not to rise up against the one giving them. Benefits: ALLL THE HOTTIES ONCE WE ACCOMPLISH THE GOAL. Untold fame and fortune. A nice comfortable ominious castle with amicable roommates who share similar interests. Free food. If interested, contact Ludo, Buff Frog, or come to the dark castle located conveniently within glaring and contemplating distance of the Royal Castle of Mewni. No magical princesses. This means you. Do not contact with any unsolicited ads or services.

* * *

 It seems Marco the Psycholgy student is interested in the workings of our radio broadcast, during the break he was in here asking about our listener base. I of course assured him that this is the most popular radio show in Mewni among citizens and subjects who own radios and even those who don't since you are required to listen by law due to my position as future ruler. And to be personal for a moment here listners, I do believe he is a very rude person. I do not think we are going to be very good friends, honestly. He called me a spoiled and condescending brat, and he is now aware of the fact that he is a jerk. Also he has been sentenced to one class at the Recreation and Civil Correction center as punishment for speaking against the Royal family. I do wonder which class he will be the 'volunteer' victim for and if anyone has any information please let us know. 

* * *

 A quick public service announcement from the local center for Serf education.

 

No.

 

This has been a public service announcement.

* * *

And now a peek into the events on the community calander for the coming week.

* * *

Monday begins the start of the luck gathering season, so be sure to be prepared to maim a few of your neighbors, friends and coworkers in order to procur the sufficient amount needed to keep your family alive and healthy in the coming year. Luck gathering will continue from now until the population has been properly decreased. 

* * *

Tuesday is when tickets go on sale for the Blood Moon Ball, the biggest social event of the last 667 years. Tickets are two for a 100 or in exchange for your soul. You will however not be reimbursed for the price of sacrificial materials used in the Blood pact. Already sold your soul? No problem! First born children or their souls will also be accepted as payment. 

* * *

Speaking of the Blood Moon, Wednesday is the date Captain Haverdin has decided to have his Blood Moon awareness seminar in anticipation. For absoloutely nothing you can hear the seminar he will be giving in the middle of a busy intersection. However, for 50 Mewns you can see him get run over in a horrible and possibly fatal accident, that is, someone is paying 50 Mewns if you will run over him. For more information contact C. Asshole, that is, the Castle.

* * *

Looking for something fun to do Thursday? Sucks to be you then, because Thursday is cancelled. That is all.

* * *

This just in from the Recreation and Civil Correction center, our unlucky visitor Marco the Psycholgy student has injred his arm during this afternoon's punishment for speaking out against the Royal family. That is, me. HA.

This came just moments after he mailed a formal apology card to the person he insulted, reports eye witness. _Oh._ And it seems the card has just arrived.

Listeners and subjects, It seems I am the jerk.

* * *

  _Regret nothing, until it is too late, then regret everything._

* * *

 Good night Mewni, good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^▪


	2. Mewni is Flat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide (it doesn't actually happen but... Star is a very depressed little ray of darkness)
> 
> Now ft. Actual Weather!! (And My Immortal References wHY)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When did this happen?  
> Why did this happen?  
> How did this happen?  
> This didn't happen. It's a dream, like the one I had last night about zombie Bruce Willis.

Sometimes we lose bits of ourselves along the way, I found my uncle's arm last week.

* * *

  _Welcome to Mewni._

* * *

 I suppose I could talk about irrelevant things listeners, like the visits of royal dignitaries, noteworthy happenings around town, the monster massacre I'm supposed to be ignorant of that occurred last week.

But that would be so  _boring_ , I prefer the really _vital_ stuff, like...

Well we _could_ talk about our local resident Psychology Student. 

We have reconciled, dear subjects, Marco the Psychology Student and I. I believe we are on the road to a very good friendship. A very long road, possibly paved with crow's feet and a few land mines, but as they say the _juxtaposition is in the journey_.

I have come to the agreement with him, that I will no longer make any efforts on his life and he will no longer try to tell me what's wrong with mine. After all everyone knows there is absolutely nothing wrong with my lif—

............

That, my serfs and slaves, was my mother's maid informing me that I am being left in charge of punishing anyone who breaks through the barriers around our private corn fields. You know the sentence, immediate banishment to the void beyond existence where you neither live nor die but must suffer the fate of beholding the rest of life go on without you, no escape, no vices.

* * *

 Speaking of my mother's upcoming absence, I will also be spending my first year in charge of the annual tournament of roses parade. What an extremely exciting treat! As you all can recall, the annual tradition of members of Mewni's nobility flinging the roses upon the fleeing crowds is indeed a day long revered. A day of celebration marked by the screams of terror of those who sustain injuries from our most prickly of plants. Funny, Marco the Psycholgy Student says that where he comes from (that odd _Earth_ dimension) they call our roses _'stinging nettles'_ and they are quite a bit smaller. Anyway the event proceedings will be followed by the crowning of the Rose Queen, who sustained the most injury and proven themselves worthy of leading our Mewnian forces against any flora-related enemy to arise for another year. Such an honor.

* * *

 Back to Marco though, we went out taking a stroll through the upper village just yesterday. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, we passed by some certain daughters of a few nobles, preparatories, as they are called. I could see them whispering things, so I made sure they knew exactly what I thought of them, but anyway. Marco was complaining to me about his injured arm and asking me why punishments in our fair land are so _cruel._ (I'm pretty sure that was just his _Earth_ accent and he was trying to say _cool_.) So because I was feeling a little oddly about being the reason for his arm injury. You will recall I did sentence him to being a volunteer example at The Mewnian Recreation and Civil Correction center. I decided to do him a favor and fix it. He didn't seem very appreciative, I did try my best. He's always standing up for the monster community you'd think he'd like having one for an arm.

I stayed up very late last night to fix my mistake, but  _only_ because I needed to make sure he knows I am no incompetent. It's a good thing I did too, because he seemed a little corrupted already before I worked my magic. I mean he was actually telling me that he thought last week's public punishment of Captain Haverdin was justified, slightly. Not that it wasn't, the man is a nuisance and shaming his conspiracy theories with a crowd of jeering bullies is not truly that harsh. It certainly isn't _my_ fault he had to be carted away, doubting his existence.

The man is truly insane, he keeps claiming something about Marco and I that is so ludicrous I won't even give him the benefit of stating it here. 

 

What would an old sea captain know about soul mates, anyway?

* * *

 Now because I have to, here's the stuff that's not nearly as interesting, since you know, it doesn't involve me.

The Edge of the world has been reopened. The most popular and famous tourist attraction in Mewni, known throughout the entire multi-verse as it's place where the entire planet of Mewni falls off at a sudden drop off leaving nothing but endless, suffocating, space.

For years people thought Mewni was round? Can you imagine? But know we all know much better, that Mewni is undoubtedly, flat, and here's the proof. 

Visitors can delight in all the wonders of the attraction, from walking too far and not realizing until you have fallen off. To experiencing what life is like without our poisonous Mewnian atmosphere, which ends shortly before you reach the edge.

It is the perfect place for Weddings, Funerals, and my personal favorite, FUN-E(N)DDINGS. The ancient Mewnian tradition of testing your partner's faithfulness to you by saying your vows and jumping off together. If both of you have been truly faithful to one another, you will survive. Unfortunately we have a sad epidemic in this society of those who are entering into a commitment without their full sincerity. Such a shame.

I plan to celebrate my own Fun-E(n)dding there someday, preferably a few days before my coronation, seeing as how I will have to agree to an arranged marriage before fulfilling my lifetime responsibility as Queen. Let's all hope my future husband will be faithful to me despite not knowing who I am until our wedding day.

The Edge will be open for the next two months before closing for Harvest Season, since there always seems to be a rise in accidents of serfs walking off the edge when they are most needed. 

* * *

 Have you ever looked up into the night sky? It's a dangerous sport to be sure. A new study finds that prolonged exposure to the infinite abyss of the universe can lead to;

  * Existential quandaries.
  * Expansion of the mind (very messy)
  * A Need for Vaildation
  * Rebellious thoughts
  * Ambitions beyond your pre-decided life.
  * The Feeling That You Are Alone
  * The Feeling That You Aren't Alone
  * Fear
  * Anguish
  * Hope
  * Dread
  * And Guilt



Beware.

* * *

 It's that time of year again subjects! The time to raid your supply of weapons and consult your swamp maps, it's time to purge! There's truly nothing like getting all that old rotting and useless junk out of your swamps. Bringing forth the fresh and revitalized. Yes, I'm referring to the annual monster purge. A time when citizens of all classes can come together against the common enemy, beings who appear different physically.

Have you being eyeing all that hearty swampland for your own uses? The versatile soil where inedible fungi and poisonous ferns grow so easily? The marshy land that ensures any structure on it will not stand more than six months? The wild and terrifying man eating creatures that have no cognizant thought that will remain in the swamp after the purge undeterred now that their greatest enemy is gone? Well then, it's your lucky day! Come on out and take it! It's yours now! No monster can stand in your way, by law.

It will only take a few short, grueling, and possibly fatal days, but those pesky monsters will be driven further into the badlands once more. So you can have what's coming to you!

* * *

 And now... the weather.

* * *

 [The Weather](https://youtu.be/cbrrynTvHVA)

* * *

 C. Asshole, that is, the castle, have written a very detailed letter to us concerning the coverage of the luck hunting season.

I forgot to mention the consequences of gathering too much luck for your position. Too much luck can be very dangerous to you and your family. After all, who knows what you might do with it? You could try to change your circumstances and that is as we all know, against the law.

You are what you are. Change is bad. We know because the stars told us. Specifically. Not you. Were  _you_  chosen to speak with stars? No. 

* * *

 Now a word from our sponsors.

* * *

Lariaty's Black Magic Store, providing you with all your necromancy needs since...

Since...

I want to say it was about seven hundred and eighty-two years, but I'm not quite sure, because my great-great-great-great-great-great-great times like fifty, grandmother wrote about Lariaty in her autobiography and that was a lot longer ago than that. 

I guess that's how you know it works.

Lariaty's, for the lifeless.

* * *

Marco the Psychology Student has just come by, with another theory. Mewni is round. Can you believe this, listeners? He says the edge is merely a large gap on a drop off to a wormhole. There's a whole other side. Well _I_ certainly haven't seen it. So how can it be there? I of course informed him that this is Mewni, and not like his _Earth_ things. Like round planets or anti-child labor laws. I also got to regale him with the tale of Fun-e(n)ddings, and my plans on having one someday to celebrate my arranged marriage. 

He's been strangely quiet.

* * *

For our last tidbit of today's agenda, I remind you to please remember yourselves. You don't want to forget about you. That might be bad.

* * *

Good Night Mewni.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Butterfly Tapes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7996777) by [radiowrittenheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiowrittenheart/pseuds/radiowrittenheart)




End file.
